Codependency has been recognized in the treatment field since the late 1970s. The pattern was first identified when clinicians studying the families of people with alcohol addiction noticed similar dynamics across households. While the term has since expanded to include the loved ones of people with chronic illness and mental illness, it’s still most often used to describe partners and family members in relationships shaped by addiction.
A codependent person draws most of their self-worth from caring for someone else, often at their own expense. Their intentions are usually good. At first they’re simply trying to help someone through a rough patch. Codependency sets in when “helping” becomes compulsive and self-defeating, and the person builds their whole life around taking care of someone else until they’ve become a martyr to it. It almost always starts small. A husband covers for his wife after a bender so she doesn’t miss work, or a mother lies to keep her child from facing the consequences of drug use. Whatever the size of the act, the behavior can become ingrained in both people, and that’s where it turns destructive. The codependent person has set a precedent of making excuses for their loved one, and the loved one comes to expect it, all while feeling insulated from consequences.
Codependency often traces back to growing up in a dysfunctional family, which Mental Health America describes as one where members “suffer from fear, anger, pain or shame that is ignored or denied.” Dysfunctional families deny that real problems exist. They don’t talk about them and don’t work on them, so the children learn to do the same. They slip into survival mode, repressing emotions and setting their own needs aside. When tending to someone else’s needs consistently outranks your own, you eventually lose track of what you want and what makes you feel whole.
Do I Have Codependency?
Women have a long history of developing codependency. Sometimes it traces to an overly critical mother, sometimes to an absent father. Whatever the cause, the result is often a search for someone to “fix.” The logic goes that helping someone in need will fill the gap, and few people need more help than someone struggling with addiction. The thinking is flawed: both people grow unnaturally dependent on each other, and before long they’re locked into the pattern. The codependent person becomes controlling, believing they’re helping, while their loved one grows more helpless and less able to stand on their own. Some characteristics of codependency, according to Mental Health America, include:
- An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
- A tendency to confuse love with pity, and to “love” people they can pity and rescue
- A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
- A tendency to feel hurt when their efforts go unrecognized
- An unhealthy dependence on relationships, and a willingness to do almost anything to avoid feeling abandoned
- An extreme need for approval and recognition
- A compelling need to control others
- A lack of trust in themselves and others
- A fear of being abandoned or alone
- Difficulty identifying their own feelings
- Rigidity and difficulty adjusting to change
- Poor communication
- Difficulty making decisions
Codependency is difficult and draining, and many partners and family members of people with addiction live with it. It can be treated, and many people recover from it. As with addiction, one of the hardest parts is coming to terms with the fact that you’re affected by it at all. The first step is education. Understanding the cycle of addiction makes it possible to see how it works its way into relationships, so that enabling behaviors can be named and stopped.
If you’ve found yourself in a relationship with someone struggling with addiction and aren’t sure how to move forward, reach out to Destination Hope. We provide gender-specific care and treat co-occurring mental health and substance use together, and we have extensive experience helping families work through patterns like codependency through our family program. Call us at (954) 302-4269 and let us help you recover.
